Before I had breast cancer I had no real idea about the impact such a diagnosis can have on your life. I’ve tried to be there for friends going through a cancer diagnosis in the past, but now I know that I didn’t always get it right and that I could have done more. Here are some of the things that your friends might want you to know. We are all unique individuals so don’t assume these apply to everyone – the most important thing you can do is covered by my first pointer:

1. Ask the question

Feeling loved and supported is wonderful when you face a cancer diagnosis, but practical help is even better. It’s lovely to receive multiple text messages from well meaning friends but don’t tell just tell your friend you love them, show them. Vague entreaties to ‘Let me know if you need anything’ are well intended but it’s likely that your friend will not feel able to ask you for help. Try asking them ‘What do you need? What can I do?’ instead and insist that they answer.

2. Be on their team

It can really help to set up a Whatsapp group to enable the person with cancer to communicate with their close friends with one simple message. There can be a lot of admin involved in having cancer, and this means that they only need send 1 message rather than 30 to let people know how they are or that their latest chemo cycle has been cancelled. Either help them to do this or do this for them. You can change the settings so that nobody else can post in the group which I found really useful.

3. Become their social secretary

It’s really hard to plan social activities or think ahead when you are going through treatment. Operations get cancelled, chemotherapy cycles get delayed and there are often long waiting times for referrals. Chances are your friend hasn’t been able to plan a holiday or weekend away and the thought of arranging normal social activities can be tiring and overwhelming. Make sure you know when their appointments are and help then to work out when they can fit in nice things around the days or weeks when they are feeling okay. A trip to a spa is wonderful, but so is a regular cuppa or a walk with a local friend. Taking the lead and organising group activities such as a weekend away with the girls or a meal out is a lovely way to show you care. Allow for the possibility of last minute cancellations.

4. Cook for them

After my operation, a friend organised a Meal Train using this amazing website: https://www.mealtrain.com/. You can specify any dietary requirements and anyone can book a slot. It’s an amazing way to take some of the strain off a situation and nobody will ever refuse a meal you have lovingly prepared for them. If you can offer to deliver a meal on a set day once a week throughout someone’s treatment, I guarantee that they will love you forever. Don’t forget to invite them round for dinner also. It can be hard to go out to restaurants when you are worried about your immunity, but small gatherings at friend’s houses can offer essential social interaction and connection during a difficult time.

5. Give wisely

I have received so many lovely presents since I was diagnosed, but at times I have had duplicates or been given books I already have on my shelf. I have also had to buy essential things that it would have been great to receive as a gift. Before buying something, ask your friend if there is anything they need. It’s likely that they will have made significant changes to their diet, so check before sending them chocolate or buying them cake. People often overhaul their beauty regime, so organic or natural skincare or make-up may be helpful. Hair loss was one of the most difficult things I faced during my treatment and it was always lovely to receive hats or head coverings from friends. There are specialist products that help people cope with the side effects of chemotherapy such as nail oil or certain supplements so check in with your friend before purchasing.

6. Be generous

It’s likely that a cancer diagnosis will have had a significant impact on your friend’s financial situation. Meeting up with friends for coffee or food is invaluable but it can soon add up. If you can afford it, make it clear from the outset that you are inviting them but are also intending to pick up the bill. This can help alleviate anxiety about accepting the invitation. If you’d like to go to a spa day with your friend, offer to pay as they may have had several such invitations but be limited by lack of funds. Setting up a GoFundMe page to help with the costs of alternative treatments or even just a well needed holiday is a wonderful way to show you care. If you can’t support finanically, be generous with your time. Nobody is going to stop you from doing their hoovering or washing up.

7. In it for the long haul

When you are first diagnosed it can feel a bit overwhelming. Sharing your news with friends and family is a mission in itself and people soon rally. This can lead to a lot of admin in terms of fielding and answering messages and so on. Cancer treatment isn’t something that happens quickly however, and your friend is likely to need support for many months. As time goes on, it can feel more and more isolating as work becomes a distant memory and it can be hard not to be jealous of everyone else seemingly just getting on with their lives. Make sure your friend knows that you are still there for them eight months in as this can often be the hardest time. Be consistent and continue to show up for them in whatever way works for you both.

8. Have fun!

Cancer has such a far reaching impact on your life that it can be hard to remember that you can still have fun. If I’m not careful, I can spend a lot of time reading, thinking and talking about cancer which is frankly boring after a while. Chances are your friend doesn’t want to have to go through the same update on how they are feeling every time they see their friends but would love to be distracted by hearing about what you’ve been getting up to. Cancer free conversations and activities can be really helpful – find out what makes your friend tick and get it in the calendar! Encourage them to keep doing fun (preferably alcohol free activities). Research local comedy nights, plan a trip to the theatre or get them doing something new.

9. Beware of toxic positivity.

Unless you have been through the cancer journey yourself, please be careful of doling out well meaning but probably unwelcome advice. Being told to just ‘Embrace it’ with regard to losing your hair or being continually required to ‘look on the bright side’ by an optimistic friend are both unhelpful strategies. The unrealistic but widely held view that people have to remain positive at all costs during treatment can be quite toxic. I have seen people telling cancer patients off for being upset or stressed as ‘It won’t do you any good’. Also be careful about telling your friend that ‘You Got This’ or ‘Kick Cancer’s Ass’ – they may not be seeing it as a battle at all. I had an overarching need to nurture my body and soul and saw it very much as a holistic healing journey rather than something that had to be fought or won. In my view as a psychotherapist, the most important thing is to try and work on acceptance of the current situation which means allowing yourself to feel all the feelings. At different times I have found myself enraged, deeply self-pitying, terrified and resentful. I’ve also been joyful, inspired, calm and amazingly grateful and appreciative. All are equally important and valid.

10. Don’t be afraid to talk about Death

It’s very likely that your friend will be facing their own mortality in a very immediate sense. They may want to deal with it by never talking about or seeing it as a possibility but they may equally want to look it in the eye and think about what kind of funeral they might want. Some people with terminal cancer plan a living wake, a serious undertaking that would likely need a lot of help and support. Others just want to talk through their fears with a trusted friend – they may not be able to talk to their partner or anybody else about it so make sure you are ready and waiting if the topic comes up. Be curious and ask questions and don’t make assumptions. Cancer has radically altered my view of death and dying and I’m never afraid to talk about it.

So there you have it, a quick guide to how you can help your friend in need. If you think someone you know may benefit from this article, please send it to them or share it on your social media platforms.